I’ve been looking through my writings and trying to decide what to post here – but everything seems to come up short of explaining my heart.
Because, lately, I’ve just been facing unknowns.
I need to be honest with you. I talk a lot about surrender and sacrifice on this blog. I thought it was an area of my life that God had already worked on (sufficiently, I must add). After all, I’ve struggled but finally learned to open my door, to bend to this often vague and hard to describe calling of missionary. I’ve learned the fine art of managing kids and chaos and neighborhood ministry – at least some of the time.
Truthfully, I’ve felt like I’ve been worked on enough. My bones and muscles are just getting over the soreness of being molded by those divine hands – so loving and yet uncompromising.
But lately, I’ve been having health issues. And, I don’t want health issues. I don’t want to deal with the unwelcomed disruptions of doctor appointments, tests, and medicine. I’ve wanted to get on with everyday life here, with ministry, with my goals and dreams.
I’ve written on here about surrender while holding tightly to my health. I’ve talked about trusting God while fearing the worst medical conditions I could find on google. I’ve shared about taking steps of faith while I’ve mentally refused to accept this path that God’s asked me to walk.
I’m learning about surrender at an entirely new level.
So, today, I go back to my allergist in Ames to figure out why the histamines are going crazy in my body. I was diagnosed with dermatographia a few weeks back. Yet, that doesn’t explain my reactions to a variety of foods, the episodes, the good and bad days, the nausea, and more. I don’t know what it all means.
Maybe you are facing the unknown as well. Together, we turn our faces towards the future, but the view is still cloudy, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter how much we peer in or try to frantically whisk away the haze. The answers are not visible, and so we wait.
And, we must trust. We must train ourselves to actively trust when the easier option is to just collapse in a frustrated, confused heap. We must mentally place ourselves in His hands, hour after hour, and then force ourselves to not scurry back to the dark corners of control and fear.
We must learn to rest there – waiting and trusting.
The hard part? For me, it’s knowing that the voice who caused life to spring up in this world could remove the veil in an instant and bring clarity – yet, He doesn’t. It’s realizing that His focus is my growth not simply my good health.
His focus is our transformation when we would prefer total (and effortless) restoration.
So, I’m learning patience. I’m learning that the path I wanted to walk on has changed beneath my feet, without my permission. It’s dotted with health issues and fatigue and daily needs to trust. I’ve wanted to take a detour, to short-cut this route, but I can’t. It is out of my control, so I walk on. It is one day at a time now.
I’m learning that I’m not alone. His presence is here, and it will be there tomorrow. I would’ve told you that a hundred times before, but I wonder if I really trusted it as I do now.
I’m learning to rely, to lean hard on those around me – my husband, friends, family, and the beautiful lives God sends along to encourage and support. I’m recognizing the depths of love that come from God’s family.
And so, these months of crazy symptoms and unknowns have their purpose. I can admit that now, although I still pray today will bring answers and a quick solution. Would you pray with me for that as well?
In the meantime, you’ll find me waiting and, by God’s grace, trusting more actively than I did the day before. For all of us facing unknowns, may we be heard saying to the Lord, “my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust,” from our secure place in the shadow of the Almighty.
1He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
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